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Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos: Mike Egerton/PA Images via Getty Images, Odd Andersen/AFP via Getty Images
Are you happy to be in Paris? Oui! The 2024 Olympics have made their way to the French capital, and everyone’s asking the same questions: “Will anyone be able to beat Simone Biles?” Probably not. “Will Sha’Carri Richardson be fabulous?” Undoubtedly. “Will the swimmers who are forced into the Seine die of dysentery?” Uhhh … keep watching. Below, find our continually updating highs, lows, and whoas from the entirety of the 2024 Paris Olympics, from the Lady Gaga–featuring Opening Ceremony and the first official day of events all the way through to the final podium.
Day Two (July 28): Biking, B-Ball, and Butterfly
HIGH PHYSICALLY, IN THE AIR — Simone “the Goat” Biles
Simone Biles is looking good. The United States women’s team finished the semifinals comfortably in first place, over Italy in second. After a Tokyo that did not go as planned, Biles qualified for finals in all-around, floor, vault, and beam. But she also sported a bandage around her calf due to an injury confirmed by her coach. We’ll be keeping an eye on that developing situation. —Jason P. Frank
LOW — The amount of shots Kevin Durant misses
You young whippersnappers can dribble all you want, but Kevin Durant stays on his game. Due to an injury, the Slim Reaper hasn’t played since the Suns went out first round in the play-offs last year, so all eyes were on him when he stepped onto the court. Then, he went eight-of-nine in the first half against Team Serbia, and all eyes were on him for a different reason. Ultimately, Team USA won the game 110-84. KD is still KD. —J.P.F.
HIGH — Coco Gauff grand slams another record
What better way to kick off the Olympics than with a record-setting victory? After winning her first game in the singles event against Australia’s Ajla Tomljanović, twenty-year-old Coco Gauff became the youngest American to win an Olympics single game — beating the record previously set by Venus Williams in 2000. —T.S.
WHOA — These teens can shred
Over in women’s skateboarding, three teenagers managed to secure all of the medaling spots: Brazil’s Rayssa Leal (16) won bronze, Japan’s Liz Akama (15) won silver, and the 14-year-old Japanese skater Yoshizawa Coco snagged gold. If you need to qualm your feelings of jealous over someone being so young and so cool and so good at skateboarding, Dìdi is in theaters now. —J.P.F.
HIGH — Huske and Walsh’s race goes swimmingly
The United States scored both gold and silver in the 100m butterfly, with Torri Huske and Gretchen Walsh taking the two top spots. The race was, in a word: Thrilling. Huske beat Walsh for gold by quite literally four one-hundredths of a second, which is wild on its own. But there’s also story here: Huske barely didn’t podium four years ago in Tokyo, coming in fourth in this event by 1/100th of a second. This time, she made it count. — J.P.F.
WHOA — NBC strapped a heart monitor on Hezly Rivera’s dad during her event.
Perhaps the only thing more nerve-racking than competing in the Olympics is watching your kid compete in the Olympics. NBC put that idea to the test during Hezly Rivera’s final routine of qualifiers, by having her dad Henry wear a heart monitor during his daughter’s uneven bars routine. He was already at 164 bpm as she was about to begin, and his peak was a staggering 181 bmp — all while spectating. For context, the average resting heart rate typically falls between 60 and 100 bpm. —T.S.
HIGH — Pedal to the metal
Mountain biker Haley Batten managed to snag the United States’s first medal in women’s mountain biking since 2012, and their third since the sport debuted at the 1996 Olympics, winning silver. And she managed to do it despite a broken wheel during the race, finishing three minutes behind the first-placer, France’s Pauline Ferrand-Prévot. —J.P.F.
WHOA: It’s the Olympics.
Carrie: Louise is in Paris.
Look who I ran into in Paris !! Carrie and Louise reunited at last! Love is the thing, you know! 😉 #SATC pic.twitter.com/VbgWdfiGtx
— Jennifer Hudson (@IAMJHUD) July 29, 2024
And Just Like That … hasn’t yet been able to reunite Carrie Bradshaw with her former assistant Louise (played by Jennifer Hudson in the first Sex and the City film), but the Olympics were able to pull it off. Hudson shared a photo with Sarah Jessica Parker in front of another SATC icon — the Eiffel Tower. Thankfully, the hideous Louis Vuitton bag was nowhere in sight.
Day One (July 27): Diving, drones, and Flavor Flav
HIGH — America’s first medal going to an appropriately named duo.
Let them cook. The first Olympians to bring home the bacon for Team U.S.A. at Paris 2024 are Kassidy Cook and Sarah Bacon. They won silver in the women’s synchronized three-meter springboard event. And yes, someone was dressed up as a giant piece of bacon in their cheering section. Did anyone else just hear a bald eagle screech? —Jennifer Zhan
LOW — BBC commentator fired for sexist remark.
Following the Australian women’s 4x100m freestyle relay team’s victory, Eurosport commentator Bob Ballard reportedly remarked “You know what women are like … hanging around, doing their makeup,” as the team made their way off the pool deck. Eurosport has removed Ballard from their commentary line up, and he has since (sort of) apologized for the statement on Twitter, writing in part “It was never my intention to upset or belittle anyone.” The biggest L of the games thus far. —Tom Smyth
WHOA — Come on and slam.
While playing against Brazil in his Olympic debut, French basketball player Victor Wembanyama extended his cartoonishly long arm to make an unlikely dunk. When commentator Dwyane Wade was asked if he’d ever seen anything like that, he responded, “Yes, on Space Jam.” —J.Z.
HIGH — Flavor Flav being the best hype man.
Red Lobster isn’t the only thing he rides for. Rapper Flavor Flav is also passionate about the U.S. women’s water polo team, and is actually financially sponsoring their Olympics journey. He was spotted poolside in a water polo cap and matching waterproof clock necklace … decked out in more red, white, and blue than even First Lady and fellow spectator Jill Biden. —J.Z.
LOW — Brody Malone’s devastating Paris
Brody Malone is, at this point, well-established as the best that the United States to offer in mens gymnastic, but you wouldn’t know it from Paris. Malone put up an uncharacteristically poor showing amid an injury, falling a total of three times, and ultimately failing to qualify for the individual all-around finals. —J.P.F.
WHOA — A spy scandal.
ESPN has reported that FIFA is docking six points from the Canadian women’s soccer team in the Olympics after members of their coaching staff allegedly used a drone to spy on a competitor’s closed practice last week. The points deduction could make a big difference for a team hoping to defend the gold medal they got in Tokyo. Canadian officials are reportedly exploring options to appeal, suggesting that the players themselves were not involved. Coach Bev Priestman has been banned from coaching for one year. —J.Z.
LOW — This lame Google AI commercial.
Is nothing sacred? Google released this painfully dumb commercial about a dad whose little girl is inspired by Olympian Sydney McLaughlin-Levrone, but apparently not inspired enough to write a fan letter herself — because the ad proposes he use a Google AI chatbot to write it for her. Any Olympian who receives fan mail poorly written by AI should set it ablaze with the torch. —T.S.
Day Zero (July 26): Opening Ceremony crosses in style
HIGH — “The Individual”
TikTok is always warning me not to venture into the Paris catacombs without a guide, but the beginning of the Opening Ceremony sent precocious children to run down there unattended. These Stranger Things enfants end up running into a Phantom of the Opera–esque figure beneath the Paris streets, who rows them (and then turns on the boat’s motor to go faster) all the way down the Seine to help them get the torch to the bigger torch they have to light to start the games. Eventually, though, the phantom (whom the announcers kept referring to as “the individual”) ditched the kids to parkour the torch all over Paris. So don’t go down there if you’ve got a torch you need to hang on to! —Anne Victoria Clark
LOW THAT BECAME A HIGH IN CONTEXT OF THE LARGER DANCE PIECE — The totally unrehearsed cancan.
What at first seemed like a very rickety version of the cancan suddenly gained new context as the show continued into a grand citywide interpretive dance celebrating the re-construction of the Notre-Dame cathedral. It seems like the cheesy costumes and clumsy choreo were intentionally designed to mock audience expectations of French culture, because there is nothing quite as French as a vicious taunting. —A.V.C.
HIGH — The other “no rehearsal” performance.
Don’t tell Lady Gaga the words “Paris, France” and not expect a salute to the very idea of being French. The pop star performed a number alongside a bunch of twinks carrying big pink poofs, because that’s just how she rolls. Remember, this is a woman who has a movie coming out later this year with the subtitle Folie à Deux. The commenters noted that she had little rehearsal time, but remember that she is a theater kid: The harder the situation, the harder she tries. Oui, Gaga! —J.P.F.
WHOA — All those boats.
Instead of making the athletes walk around a stadium for the Parade of Nations, the athletes crammed onto boats of various sizes to cruise down the Seine in the pouring rain. Had it not been raining, this might’ve been a high, but this bold choice ended up making it all the more difficult to see the athletes’ outfits! Still, it was a fun change of pace, and some of the boats were really pretty. —A.V.C.
HIGH — Severed heads and blood streamers, of course.
What better way to remind the world that you’re the country that started the trend of beheading your own monarchs than with a heavy-metal version of the revolutionary anthem “Ah! Ça Ira,” performed by metal band Gojira and opera singer Marina Viotti? Did we mention they performed in front of a bunch of beheaded women, holding their own severed heads? Did we mention there was an explosion of red streamers, clearly symbolizing blood, that shot up at the end? Oh, also, this entire performance was done outside the Conciergerie, a castle and former prison where Marie Antoinette was actually held before her execution. History — it’s so metal! —A.V.C.
LOW — The weather forecast.
Paris predictably brought the drama, in this case by having drenching rain during the ceremony that made everyone so, so wet. It’s really hard to overstate how wet everyone was, and the NBC cameras simply were not ready for the wetness. Many, many shots were obscured by big fat raindrops covering the camera lenses. And as if the sky wasn’t moistening the proceedings enough, the Seine itself was at various points shooting water into the air via fountains, which added to the sense that we were trying to peer at the athletes through a maelstrom. —A.V.C.
WHOA — Don’t tell anyone, but there’s a threesome happening in the library.
The French are famously the horniest people in the entire world, and it was clearly important to them that, in the face of the American sports throuple in Challengers, they keep up by showing off an MMF sports threesome of their own. They more than managed, sneaking a hot moment of trio sensuality into the opening ceremony. —J.P.F.
HIGH — Thinking you know all the words to the French national anthem.
One thing to know about France is that, as far as national anthems go, it has one of the best. “La Marseillaise” is a rousing, catchy tune about spilling the blood of your enemies on a battlefield and putting “invented kings” in chains, and the opening ceremony featured an operatic performance of it by Axelle Saint-Cirel from atop the Grand Palais des Champs-Élysées dressed like Marianne herself. This almost called me to arms, and I hate arms! —A.V.C.
HIGH — A walking piece of art.
Pop icon Aya Nakamura, dressed like an actual work of art, performed a mash-up with the Republican Guard on the Pont des Arts. This is the one and only time the proceedings merited a truly enthusiastic: Ooh la la! —A.V.C.
LOW — Sororité, sweetie.
France decided to atone for not having very many statues of famous French women by having some statues of famous French women rise up from the Seine, as the announcers explained these statues will apparently be “offered” to the city. No word on whether the city will take them up on this offer! Anyway, that was it! That was the whole segment! Okay??? —A.V.C.
HIGH — Trè chic!
A high? More like high fashion! The chicest city in the world showed off its fashion bona fides via a runway, which included Drag Race France host Nicky Doll. J’adore Nicky Doll! —J.P.F.
LOW — Why is France hiding its rap from us?
Anyone who watched Carrie Bradshaw go to Paris knows that French rap actually rules. But this cultural highlight got exactly one moment in the Opening Ceremony, where rapper Rim’K — who was not even identified to the television audience — did a short performance alone. This could’ve been so much more! —A.V.C.
WHOA — Cowboy Carter does some Paris promo.
Based on the Renaissance rollout so far, this is probably the closest we’ll get to a “Ya Ya” visual for a while. In a new clip shared this evening, Beyoncé dressed up in red, white, and blue to introduce a snappin’ and clappin’ Team USA with lyrics adjusted specifically for the games (“Oui, oui, Paris”). She went on to shout out some Olympians by name and shared her belief in the team as a whole. Let the Beylympics begin. —Jennifer Zhan
HIGH — The majestic gray horse.
Clip, clip, clomp, clomp went the pretty gray horsey as it led the flags of the world down the street with its big beautiful eyes! I wanna kiss it on the FACE! —A.V.C.
HIGH — Céline Dion singing her heart out.
No, I absolutely wasn’t chopping onions. My eyes are wet because of Céline “Icon-for-All-Time” Dion closing out the ceremony under the Eiffel Tower. Dion has been battling stiff person syndrome, rendering it very difficult for her to do the thing she loves most in the world: perform. Watching one of the great voices of all time sing despite her illness was the absolute high of the ceremony, and perhaps one of the highs of Olympics of all time? Sorry, it’s hard not to be dramatic when influenced by a grande dame. —J.P.F.
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From record-breaking early wins to Simone Biles showing out. Vulture – Entertainment News from New York Magazine